"You didn't think I'd know? I wouldn't feel it? I knew it from the very first day.
Because I know you, Connie. I know you and I fucking hate you."
Evening, all. Well, we're coming off a Sunday evening and it has been a tough week for me.
I have hit one of my 'trough' spells emotionally ..... feeling a bit depressed and regretful and fearful that I have overplayed my hand with the spouse. His attitude towards me has changed, I can feel it. He no longer looks at my 'escapades' with the air of one who is bemused and/or amused. Or even one who is resigned. Instead, he is short tempered, impatient, jaded, turned off.
I talk to him but he isn't listening. He has stopped listening to me it seems.
I sit next to him and he doesn't take my hand or stroke my arm or talk to me like he used to.
Instead, he sits in his own little world of TV fantasy or video game fantasy or on the computer acting shady. For hours at a time. He is spending a lot of time at work and every so often he brings up the name of a woman with whom he works. Rosa. I am certain that he's not fooling around with another woman right at this moment but, emotionally, I am certain that he is cheating on me. There is such a thing as emotional cheating and the spouse is definitely preoccupied, doing a lot of thinking. He has lost his joy and I am the one who has taken it from him.
The spouse and I have been together since we were 19 years old and a heckuva lot of water has passed under the bridge since then. We are both entering a new and different phase in life, the one in which we are both realizing our mortality and the fact that we have peaked the hill and are trundling down the other side, that time runs ever shorter.
We both have regrets. We've both done things of which we are not proud. Heck, I've done things that the spouse knows nothing about and I hope he never finds out what those things are. For a while there, I was as out of control as I have ever been in my entire life. Running with crazy people, disappearing frequently on weekends, staying out late. It was a spell of about 2 years when the train left the tracks and crashed spectacularly.
Oftentimes, I wondered why I acted the way I did. I remember being the mother of 2 young children, before our youngest 2 were born, and I remember calling the spouse at his job and one of his coworkers answering the phone, telling me that the spouse was off to lunch with his 'girlfriend'. I remember that woman well. She used to avoid me like the plague. She was very attractive and the spouse talked about her constantly at the time. She was a little bit older than we were, with an alcoholic for a husband, but she would give me those 'knowing' looks that I, as a very young woman back then, didn't read very well. Well, I read them now and I wonder, how honest has the spouse actually been with me? Did he fool around? He says not but how do I really know? Obviously, there was workplace gossip at the time and his coworkers let me know about it. The woman recently got back in touch with the spouse via Facebook and they are now 'friends' ......
As for the spouse, I caught him emailing one of my friends some years ago with a request to communicate with her secretly (she called me immediately and told me about it) and I, already in a state of despair over an event that had changed my life entirely, let the spouse easily off the hook. I figured, let's put the spotlight on you for a bit so that I can get it off me. This was over 10 years ago but I have never forgotten it. Since then, the spouse has frequently divulged that he would like a threesome that would involve this friend. In order to avoid WW3 with my friend's husband, I have been seeing this friend less and less over the years. But just lately, I have been thinking that the spouse's comments are his way of expressing dissatisfaction with our marriage, perhaps with his life in general.
I don't blame him. The spouse has been far, far more patient with me than any other man would've been. I see him looking at me. He is wondering where the woman he married has gone. Or perhaps he is wondering why the hell is he still here. I can feel him debating within himself, "Should I stay or should I go?"
The scary part is, I am amenable to a divorce. I am tired of keeping secrets. I want to be free of them. There are things that I could never talk to the spouse about but I have kept those things secret for 17 years or so. That equates to 17 years of deceitfulness, deception, thievery, loss, waste. I have stolen 17 years of true happiness from the spouse because, for all those 17 years, I have been living with some dark secrets. And, I think that the spouse has an idea of what those secrets may be.
I am not sure where to go from here. How will I feel if the spouse and I divorce and he gets involved with another woman? I still love him. In spite of everything, I do still love him. Back when he was going to work and providing for our family while I acted the fool, I took him for granted. I hurt him deeply and made him cry. I have severe emotional issues and he has stood by me but I ask: how much can one expect from a person? How much can one single person take before they have finally had enough? I think I am beginning to find out.
The spouse has turned. Maybe it's my imagination but maybe it's not. Maybe there is another woman in the picture and the spouse is giving that woman serious consideration. What will happen to selfish old me? How will I cope with my adult kids interacting with this 'other' woman? How will I contain my jealousy and behave myself? How will I support myself after being out of the workforce for a while now, after 'devoting' myself to the family as I have for years and years?
Well, I will have to get myself a life and maybe that is what needs to happen. If the spouse asks me for a divorce, I will grant it. I will say yes. I will not fight it, as the spouse did when I asked him for one 17 years ago. He has been an excellent husband and father. I am the one at fault here. I am the one with the majority of the emotional issues. I do things and say things and some things when spoken can't be taken back.
I need to look at life as it will be for the next 25++ years. I am strong. I am a survivor. I don't want to keep someone here who doesn't want to be here. If there is something else going on with the spouse then I need to find out what it is. As for me and my secrets, I will not whitewash my conscience at the expense of someone else. I will not unload on the spouse because it is far too late for that. The time to divulge is way way past. I have to live with my dark secrets now, they are mine and they belong to me. Sometimes, I am able to forget, but sometimes I remember all too keenly. It has been one of those weeks.
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