I've been off the blog radar this week and missing my opportunities to write as well as missing out on reading the blog posts of my favorite bloggers!! We can blame this sorry state of affairs on my daily dealings with lenders (more on this in the week) and the fact that although I am feeling good about the progress I have made in my life, there are still yet hurdles to clear.
Life has crept up on me and this house, my home ~ the one that I am trying so hard to refinance ~ is most definitely getting away from me. I love this house, I really do, but it is a full time job. The maintenance and cleaning is really never ending and I feel like a marble rattling around in a metal trashcan ..... there are no young kids running around to distract me, I have cleaned out tons of stuff and furniture which has in its turn created an echoing emptiness, there is no buffer. I am constantly aware that I am just passing through this burg and I am already severing my emotional attachment to this house, which I don't want to leave but know that I must if I am to remain sane. As we all know, I hate this desert town in which we are forced to live and, honestly, I don't know if the spouse and I are going to make it.
The spouse and I have spent the past few weeks in a weird standoffish state. He is irritating the hell out of me and I am irritating the hell out of him. We have really been through some massive ups and downs over the years and I hold myself responsible for most of it. Don't get me wrong ~ the spouse has been involved in some real doozies himself, events that have changed the course of our lives, but I have really not helped matters with my various addictive and obsessive behaviors. Just lately, though, the game has shifted and the spouse is being downright mean. I think that he may have fallen out of love with me. He no longer looks at me with that warm tender look in his eyes, no longer brushes aside my quirks and bossiness. He is angry with me and lately, I think, he has been reflecting that perhaps marrying me was not such a good idea after all.
We are from different cultures and, although that never was a factor in the past, it is quickly becoming a factor now. I do miss my UK family, far more than I ever realized, and I too am wondering if the sacrifices I have made have been worth it. Of course, I have to remind myself that back when the spouse and I met and married, I was absolutely 100% eager to get the heck away from my family and recover from the years of abuse. It really has taken me this long to come to terms with it all, as well we know. I'm getting older and, with the advancing age, I am becoming far wiser and tolerant. I am not, however, so tolerant with the spouse and his habits anymore, particularly his penchant for laziness and his way (so reminiscent of his mother) of slyly putting me down. He doesn't acknowledge just how much of my life's energy is being poured pointlessly down the drain in the pursuit of keeping this large house clean and the fact that we are literally wasting our fecking time here in this fecking desert.
We have had a terrible day today, a day in which I finally grappled with the idea that I may be on my own before much longer. We argued and the spouse became almost violent in his attempts to shut me up. I am not one to sit mute while being berated, unfortunately for the spouse, and so any effort to make me mute will involve violence of some sort. And if violence of any sort happens, the spouse and I will be officially over. There is no one on this planet that will get away with laying hands on me.
I understand the spouse's frustration. He wants to leave his job but can't. He thinks we should have far more money than we do but we don't. He is annoyed at me for breaking ties with people who were more my friends than his but still he wants to see them. He can't understand that I no longer wish to see these people because I am embarrassed about a past that he knows nothing about. Honestly, how can the both of us be happy in this marriage with so many secrets and lies? He sees that I am really unhappy and he blames himself when he shouldn't. He thinks that I am unhappy with him and that nothing he does is ever going to be enough, that I will never be satisfied. He sees friends of ours on Facebook who are in Las Vegas this weekend and he gets jealous that we never go anywhere anymore and, when we do go somewhere, we end up arguing. It seems that the spouse and I are indeed getting on each other's nerves just lately but there doesn't seem to be an answer. I can't tell him the things I need to tell him and the spouse wouldn't want to hear them even if I could. We are becoming increasingly dysfunctional.
I feel like a volcano. I am distressed at what amounts to all this wasted time. I feel like a racehorse that's been cooped up in a restrictive stall and fed only grain ... hotheaded and ready to break out. I live daily with a sense of desperation that has really crept up on me these past couple of weeks in particular. I wonder, by the time we get out of here, will this cancer have spread and rotted our relationship beyond repair?
I'll be honest. I feel like I need a break, some time away from this place. I am thinking of taking a solo trip to England in a few months. I want to go home even if it feels like I am running away. I have a finite amount of time left in this life and, before I know it, I'll be 80. More than that, I am afraid that I have become too isolated here in the US. I am having a difficult time relating to my fellow Americans because every time I open my mouth, people think I'm a damn tourist and unintentionally remind me that I am not from here even though I've paid taxes for the past couple of decades. I've paid my dues, I've done my time!! And it might not have bothered me before but it bothers me now!! If I could only change my accent, I would blend in. The accent however, much like my addictions, is hardwired .....
Well, thanks for the opportunity to vent. I'll be back later, in a better frame of mind with some news about the refinancing and my reasons for doing what I'm doing as far as that is concerned.
On a quest to bounce back from job and financial loss. One of my biggest dreams in life is to own my home free and clear of any and all bank loans. To no longer be a slave to the lender would be GREAT!