Ok .... I feel as though I have begun 2013 with a couple of downer posts but we can put that down to a somewhat stressful 'holiday' season LOL So stressful, in fact, that I scheduled two posts for one day .... moving on!
My biggest problem right now has to be attacked from a couple of fronts. What is my biggest problem (apart from everything else) right at this very moment? Actually, there are four main problems.
The first problem I have is that I get too involved in my kids' lives, which ends up pissing everyone off royally. I stick my nose where it isn't wanted or warranted. I make sarcastic comments and get my feelings hurt when my kids rebuff me. I end up hurting my kids' feelings too, which is the last thing I want to do. I say things I shouldn't say and I get huffy when I am not included in every detail of my independent kids' lives. Why do I behave this way? Because I am used to being the Queen Bee, running everyone's lives when I don't need to be doing that any longer. I need to get a life of my own, which brings me to my utmost goal of 2013: GET A LIFE.
My second biggest problem is that I am now the only person in the household doing the chores. I do not expect the spouse to do housework - he has enough going on at work without coming home and pushing a vacuum around when I have been here all freakin' day. This leads to frustration on my part because the house easily gets away from me in terms of dirt/dust build up and clutter build up. I blew my stack today when I realized that all three bathrooms are in need of cleaning again, especially after the Xmas holidays with numerous people coming in and out, which brings me to my second goal of 2013: GET ORGANIZED.
My third problem is that I take all my frustrations out on my family and then I sink into despair and suffer as I realize just how destructive I'm being. This Xmas has been especially difficult seeing as how I have numerous familial relationships that are in ruins or teetering on the brink of ruin. I have been depressed and my self loathing has hit an all time high if that were at all possible. I am unhappy and my unhappiness is poisoning my remaining relationships. I have already cut out long term friends because they know too much about my past antics and it is embarrassing to me to realize that I am being judged, not just by them but by mutual friends to whom they have gossipped. I know that I need to make a fresh start somewhere else and the spouse feels the same way but, of course, we still have a ways to go before the spouse's retirement. We are stuck here so my third goal for 2013 will need to involve MAKING IT WORK WHILE BEING TRAPPED IN THE DESERT. Which brings me to problem number 4.
I need a purpose in life. I need to work. I need to get something going for myself. I need to make money. I won't be as dissatisfied with my life if I feel that I am serving a purpose in some way. Right now, I have no purpose. My kids are grown and building their own lives. I am rattling around in a house that is too big for us and I am wasting time, hours in fact, in cleaning this house and trying to keep it organized enough that my perfectionist self isn't distracted and anxious by the state of things. I have come to realize that I fare much better in an efficient environment, one that is pared down in terms of content and space. My next house will be around 1200 square feet. Fourth goal for 2013: MAKING THE GENERATION OF INCOME A PRIORITY WHILE MANAGING EVERYTHING ELSE.
Here's my cleaning plan to make this happen because, if I'm not organized, it's going to be difficult for me to remain focused:
(Click to enlarge)
Later this week, I'll take a look at my 2012 goals to see what was accomplished.
The move from open plan family room into a smaller space (the enclosed fifth bedroom) has been very successful. Instead of firing up the antiquated furnace, we now only heat the one room. In addition, I purchased hot water bottles for everyone which has been a big success. Instead of having to put the furnace on overnight to generate heat, we put flannel sheets on the beds, dress up in lightweight thermals and cuddle up with a fleece covered hot water bottle instead. Nothing fancy or revolutionary but it works. We will easily make it through this high desert winter and all the ensuing ones that we will have to endure here in the future for as long as we live here. The enclosed 'family room' is heated with a space heater to 65 degrees which is a perfect temperature given body heat and the heat given off from electronics. I hung heavy curtains over the sliding glass doors and moved a sofa, chairs and our entertainment center into the room. I guess that we are now using no more than 1200 square feet total of our almost 3000 square foot house.
When the hot weather gets here, we will pay a contractor to install a wall air conditioner so that we can get through the summer months without getting sick of dehydration and misery.
As the spouse said to me yesterday, how did we ever make it through the past 4 years without using the fifth bedroom the way we are doing now? We have frozen during past winters and, for the past 2 years in particular, I actually developed hypothermia. Last winter was especially bad for the cold and this past summer was hell for the heat. In fact, we were so cold last Winter that we brought in large logs from the wood pile and had big fires in the fireplace which was quite pointless seeing as how 90% of the heat went right up the chimney. During one of our freezing cold evenings, we put logs on the fire that were too big and, as a result, almost burned down the house when the chimney caught fire. The fireplace remains unusable and will have to be repaired when we have the money for it.
We have sat around this house in overcoats, scarves and heavy socks because we couldn't afford to waste money on heating an open plan 3000 square foot house with no attic and therefore no attic insulation. We guesstimated that our heating bill would easily reach $1-2000 during winter and our A/C bill would top the $3000 mark during the summer months. We cannot afford to spend that kind of money on such BS with kids in college.
And on that note, I will end by saying that we will now have 2 college graduations next year (2014) with the final graduation in 2015. We're getting there and I can't wait!
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