I received a strange phone call yesterday from the guy who is supposed to be buying my car, asking me all sorts of questions and asking me to make false claims to the DMV. Well, I have been around long enough to know trouble when I hear it and so I will be collecting my car from the repair shop and selling it as scrap to one of the local junk yards instead of selling it to Dufus. I am done with other people's nonsense and I told myself that if just one instance came up of this guy acting the fool, I would run in the other direction. Dufus, you are buying a 10 year old car with a bad transmission. What is it that you want for $1000 exactly? You are not paying me enough money for me to allow you to get on my nerves!! It is also not my fault that your marriage failed, that you never see your kids, that you have made bad choices in abundance, that you smoked a batch of bad drugs and have the brain damage to prove it, and that life's a bitch and then you die! *sigh
The spouse has gone back to work today after a lovely vacation and 3 weeks off. He was none too happy about the prospect but we agreed that somehow we have got to work through the next 3 years in order to get where we want to be. We have been back from the UK for a week now and, as we both knew it would, depression began to sink in yesterday afternoon as the high from our international hijinks began to quickly wear off ... to be replaced with the hard reality of living in a place we both absolutely detest. ("What if we've already died and are living in hell?!" ~ Me)
Life has seemed to become 'shorter'. After visiting our family and friends in the UK and seeing how much more 'mature' (lol) we are looking ~ well, some of us but not all of us ~ the seemingly endless inability to do exactly what we want to do when we want to do it is catching up. The pressure is building and I know it's gonna explode in some manner. In the grand scheme, 3 years is not that long of a time to wait until the spouse can retire but to us right now, it's an eternity. It's 3 more years of watching our precious time on this planet circle the drain. This is what one gets when one spends every single f*cking cent with no regard for the future, always thinking that one is going to be young and always thinking that one has 'all this time'. I bear much of the responsibility for this current sorry state of affairs and I am regretful beyond belief.
If I could only have one more chance. One more chance. That's all I would need. One more chance to make some good money. I'm not asking for BIG greedy money either. Just enough money to live on for as long as we are alive, enough to enable us to do the things we'd like to do before we die, enough money to enable us to help those people and those causes around us that we'd like to help. I'm not looking to set the world on fire but I would like to rediscover that sense of purpose that I used to have and which I took for granted because I always had it.
These days, I have lost that sense of purpose and I have felt this way for the past 3 years. I need back that sense of feeling .... useful .... because I am drifting. I have too much time on my hands and too much time to wish for something I can't have right now.
Freedom of choice. It does not exist for us right now. Will it ever? Because I have been a total fiscal idiot, I have sacrificed our freedom of choice at the altar of Mai Tais, fast cars, useless big houses and other white elephants too numerous to list. If I thought too long and too hard about what has been frittered away over the years, between what could've been and what is, of what exactly it is that has been sacrificed in the name of consumerism and hoarding over the years, then I would get in the bed and not get out of it.
Ah well. It has been a very enjoyable month, this May of 2012. We will have to coast to the end of 2015 on the fumes, dog willing.