Slimming Down

Well, the scale tells me this morning that I am 4 pounds away from 199.  This is the closest I have come to breaking through the 200 pound barrier in years.  I feel good.  I feel lighter on my feet and slimmer, even though of course I am still way overweight.

My goal weight is 150 pounds.  Actually, my weight can range anywhere from 150 to 170 so I will see how things look when I get into this range.  I have already lost almost 50 pounds now, and boy does it feel good to type that.  It has been a very gradual process of slimming down, snail's pace in fact, but this time I have managed to actually stick with healthier eating and exercise over the past few years, despite set backs and binges.

I believe that I am over my binging habit.  For some time now, I have been 'training' myself not to eat after 6pm.  At my age and given my own unique physiology, anything I eat after 6pm goes straight to my hips.  In fact, I would say that my late night binging has contributed significantly to my long term obesity.  I just couldn't stop eating at night and, once I started, I could not stop.  But then, I experienced a break through.  I realized that if I ate foods containing sugar, a binge was triggered.  I had never made that connection before but it's true: if I eat anything with sugar in it late in the afternoon/early evening, I suddenly want to scarf down everything in the pantry and fridge.  So, I watch my sugar intake.  Just discovering this one thing has helped me to control my cravings significantly.

I eat lots of fruit and vegetables, organic wherever possible.  I do not scrimp on organic fruits and vegetables.

I have begun to incorporate some chicken and turkey back into our diets because I found that my workouts were becoming sluggish and that I didn't have the energy I expected to have.  A quick run around the internet revealed that I was probably experiencing a vitamin deficiency.  So, for the time being, the spouse and I are eating chicken a couple of times a week and, once we have our weight under control and a steady exercise regimen implemented, we will review.  We have been vegetarians for so long but there is no doubt that we feel better and have more energy with the reviewed diet.  No red meat.  I don't buy and I hardly ever eat it, unless I find myself in a steak restaurant which I haven't in several years.

Anyway, I have made it my philosophy to count calories and to work them off twice a day in the form of two hourly workouts.  One in the morning and one in the evening.  I want to be fit.  I want to be healthy again.  I want to be able to trail hike all day long because that is something that is important to me.

This morning, I made a delicious split pea soup in the crockpot: chunks of lean turkey sausage, split peas, onion, carrots, red potatoes seasoned with basil and oregano in vegetable broth.  I love this soup and one crockpot = 2 days of dinners for the spouse and I.

Life is good.

"Turn on, tune in, drop out."

Still alive over here!  (waving LOL)

Well, I just don't know where the time goes but it sure does disappear .... day after day after day after day.

I have been working on my exercise regimen, still trying to bust that 200 pound barrier.  I am so close.  Today, I resolved to hit 199 by this time next week.

I have been focusing just lately on being still.  On not stressing over the small stuff, over anything really.  I am just ready to let it all go.  I have reached a point in life where I just don't care to get myself all worked up over bullshit.  I.am.done.

I spent the weekend with an old friend but I am discovering more and more that we just don't have anything in common anymore.  She likes to gab on the phone for hours but the very thought of doing that makes me cringe now.  I am not a phone person ... another friend of mine from way back cured me long ago of any desire to talk mindlessly on the phone for hours ... she would gab for hours and hours to the point that the spouse would just reach down and unplug the phone at the wall while I was still talking on it LOL ... and so I have decided that I am just not going to engage in pointless phone talk anymore unless it's someone I really want/need to speak to.  I include my family in that category.  If certain members of my family call, I always answer even if I don't want to.  Don't get me wrong.  I don't consider myself to be 'above' it all ... I just have different priorities now that I'm older.

Anyway, I spent some time with this old friend of mine ... we have known each other for over 25 years but she lives the sort of overblown lifestyle that I used to live and I find it exhausting.  She had a big party at her house and I stayed for a few days but I don't know.  I don't live that life anymore.  It was exhausting to try to make conversation with wealthy snobs.  Or just snobs in general.  People who pretend that they have it all going on when, in fact, they are steps away from losing it all.

I am ready to travel.  What was that Timothy Leary quote?  "Turn on, tune in, drop out."  Yes.  Minus the psychedelics!  I am ready, as is the spouse, for an entirely different way of life.  I have dropped out as much as it is possible to drop out while living in a house and paying taxes with an SUV parked out front.

I am bored with everything and pretty much everyone I know around here ... nothing changes, they still chase the coin, work long hours like the spouse, are still slaves to the lender.  We have got to get away from this drudgery and we are working on it but I see certain of my 'friends' digging themselves into ever deeper financial holes via their actions.  Yes, I am flying my 'Judgmental Flag' again but that's only because I desperately want to bring about change in my own life but can't at this time due to financial and familial constraints and responsibilities.  Maybe I am afraid that I will lose momentum and fall back into my old spending ways again, just to relieve the boredom, by going out on shopping trips with people I have no business going out with.  It's hard to keep the dream alive when there is a giant chasm between us and it.

Despite all, I have most certainly grown and changed personally.  Confronting my emotional issues has been a difficult and lengthy journey but I do believe I have finally found resolution.  Despite the fact that my life is far from perfect with some pretty large gaping holes left in it where certain people used to be and now are not, I am moving forward.  Not stressing about these absent people is another indication that I am just letting it all go, to fall where it may.  We cannot be in each others lives right now for various reasons ... at the root of it is a lack of trust on my part.  These people have shown me that they cannot be trusted and, even though I still love them, I will love them from afar and just hope that they manage in life without me as a foil.  Most disappointing.

I recently spent another weekend of a different kind, resort living with the relative I already wrote about.  This time, it was a much more toned down version but it was still very relaxing and fun.  We partook of free activities (hiking, beach combing), a bit of shopping and a trip to a local restaurant that she said I must try.  After a day of trail walking, I was starving and glad that I tried the place out.  The food was indeed delicious.  We had a lot of fun.  She had redecorated her guest bedroom and decked out the bed in luxurious white and pink linens and duvets and pillows ... expensive stuff.  Let me tell you, I felt like a damn queen in that bed LOL and it was one of the high spots of the weekend!  It was like a .... fluffy white cloud made of egyptian cotton and I slept like a baby.  Whenever I need to find a center to control rage, anger or general impatience, I think about that bed and how I am going to create one just like it in my next home.  Not here.  I do not want to drop anchor here.  Even though I love my house, I know I must leave it and so I do not wish to drop anchor.  I am merely on an extended lay over.

When I returned home from this particular weekend, I set about cleaning clutter and selling more stuff.  I have really pared down the amount of stuff I own but I do still have little hoards here and there .... a basket full of crap I never look at ... a stack of old vinyl records that need to go but it's hard to let go ... bits of furniture I love but just don't want to lug to the next place ... the clothing in my closet that I must sort through once and for all.

Very soon, the last kid will be leaving for college.  That will leave the spouse and I with an empty nest.  We are desperate to sell and leave now but we are at least 2.5 years out from retirement.  We have planned some trips to help pass the time ..... one in June/July to another state here in the US and one in the fall to Europe.  I think we will do something different for Thanksgiving this year (planning ahead) or maybe Christmas instead (even though we don't celebrate the holiday, the spouse gets 2 weeks off).  Perhaps we will finally visit Hawaii........

Hawaii sounds like a nice place to continue the dropping out process.

Tuesday Update

This is the longest break I've ever taken from blogging and it wasn't intentional.  Since 2007/2008, I have always taken to my blog to express anxieties, talk about the family, keep track of my progress, remain accountable.  Life has really gotten in the way recently.

Over the past few weeks, we have made a trip back east to 'check  in' to the new school that one of my kids will be attending in September.  We've also dealt with spring break and all the ferrying back and forth that that involved.  One of the spouse's siblings moved in with us for a couple of weeks between houses, bringing their own kids and dogs with them.  What a nightmare that was.  I still haven't recovered although I am waking up with less and less of a headache these days as we put some distance between today and the recent departure of our house guests LOL  This seems to be what happens when one has a house with many bedrooms: it becomes something of a family hotel.  People think that we have 'all this room' and don't hesitate to ask if they can shack up with us if they are temporarily out on the streets.  Of course, we usually say yes but fortunately these requests don't come up too often.  My health is just not what it once was and it's difficult to accommodate and remain graciously sane.

I am planning another trip back to the UK.  There are some problems over there that have overwhelmed my sibling, namely my parents' hoard of stuff out in the barn that they just will not get rid of.  Well, my parents are going to have to think about moving very soon as their situation has changed and the house has become unaffordable.  My father is having a difficult time reconciling the fact that they must downsize in order to function as they age.  Their situation right now is going to become more and more dysfunctional as time goes by if they try to remain where they are, and so I am hoping that my parents see the light on this and press on with moving plans.  They need a simpler, more comfortable life than the one they currently have.  I just don't know how we, my sibling and I, are going to get this present situation resolved and a house move accomplished without everyone losing their minds.

Financially, we are doing well.  The refinance was completed and the new trust deed recorded. 
The refinance saves us around $300 a month and halves the loan term from 30 to 15 years.   That's a win! 

We are still renting cars as we need them which, I gather, has become quite a new phenomenon according to our car rental provider.  Seems that more and more people are forgoing buying a new car if they can and renting regularly instead.  Downsizing to only one car instead of two and then renting for long distances would certainly work for me.  I have maintained a very basic expense chart over the past year which details the amount spent solely on rental cars + gas vs. total ownership expenses for the cars we currently own.  Without a doubt, it is cheaper to rent for long distance driving despite the hassle involved in driving to pick up and return the rental vehicle.  Our car ownership expenses have been very high.  Over the past 5 years 2008 through 2012, we have spent almost $44,000 on repairs, maintenance and gas on our vehicles.  A sizable chunk of that $44k has been spent on gas and vehicle repair in order to drive in and out of this desert outpost and that is crazy IMO.  I wish we had thought more about the impact of living so far from everything (work, recreation, amenities) when we were younger and that we hadn't been so focused just on buying a house.  We would've done much, much better financially to have rented at the beach all this time and restricted our vehicle ownership to just one vehicle, as opposed to five, but hindsight is always 20/20 isn't it?  At least we are thinking now.  Better late than never I guess.

Other bills remain under control.  Grocery costs are becoming easier to budget now that almost everyone bar the spouse and I are out of the house.  Of course, college expenses are a whole other league all their own but the end is in sight.  Only two more years and it will be done.

Healthwise, I am still working on bringing my weight below 200 pounds.  I got close a couple of weeks ago but then spring break hit and my weight has remained just a few pounds above.  It is such hard work to get rid of these unwanted pounds ... I never thought it could be this hard.  In order to drop this weight I must work much harder than I imagined and, at the end of it, I may still have to invoke surgical intervention in the form of a tummy tuck and some lipo.  Roux-en-y is far too drastic for me personally but I am going to do whatever else it takes to look slim and fit and if that involves a nip, tuck and some sucking then so be it!

Wise Words

I read this letter today:

DEAR ABBY: I'm a widow, as are many of my friends these days. Widowhood is difficult. If you're not prepared, it can be horrible. That's why I'd like to urge women to learn to take care of themselves because the odds are they will be alone sooner or later after the age of 50. Some suggestions:

1. If you haven't already, learn to drive.

2. Learn to pump gas and how to check your tires and the fluids in your car.

3. Learn to use a few basic tools and do home repairs.

4. Pay attention to financial matters such as balancing a checkbook.

5. Know where your records are, what's in them and what information you will need for taxes.

6. Buy a shredder and shred unnecessary papers.

7. Make friends with other women. If you don't, life gets lonely.

8. Be courageous and do what you need to do to be happy.

9. Start to simplify your home. It will free your mind from clutter and, if necessary, allow you to move to smaller quarters.

10. Let your children lead their lives, lead your own and present a cheerful face to the world! -- KATHLEEN IN DULUTH, MINN.

DEAR KATHLEEN: Those are excellent suggestions, to which I would add how important it is to consult a CPA and a lawyer if your spouse hasn't already shown you what you need to know.

***

I remember when my mother in law became a widow.  She lived for another 15 years by herself.  She had been used to having a houseful of adult children who had, one by one, moved back home to mooch off her financially and who, just as easily, drifted away to eventually assume responsibility for their own lives.  I've already mentioned the spouse's siblings in blog posts past and how they drained his mother's bank accounts over the years with money for surgeries, college classes and vehicles.  Not to mention food, clothing and utilities. 

When my mother in law died, she left a huge mess behind ..... a hoarded house, stuffed garage, junky back yard and multiple storage units.  It took 15 of us a week to carry it all from the house straight into dumpsters.  A week.  15 people.  Imagine just how much stuff we are talking about here, all of it trash and non of it salvageable.  We are talking about thousands and thousands of dollars worth of garbage, stuff my MIL purchased at yard sales and thrift shops.  She couldn't stay out of those places.  Every single day, she'd go out and buy bags and bags of crap.  Of course, the spouse and I both understand now that her compulsiveness was a grief reaction but we didn't know that then.  We didn't understand what hoarding was or what triggered it, only that his mother seemed to lose her mind when his father died.

Death is an unfortunate part of life and I am growing to realize that at some point, either I will be left alone or I will be the one to die first.  Hopefully, that wont occur for decades yet but one never knows what's in the cards.  I have really been thinking about how I want to spend the last half of my life.

Where should the spouse and I settle?
How long will our money last?
How much life insurance should we each carry?
How do we plan to keep ourselves busy and engaged?

The future is a somewhat 'scary' proposition.  The spouse and I have both spent the past 20-something years 'trapped' in jobs with a family to raise.  Our lives have been extremely restricted and curtailed, as we continually put our children ahead of ourselves.  Well, some things have happened around here just lately that tell me that the spouse and I cannot necessarily rely on our children to provide anything for us in the future.   Don't get me wrong ~ I believe we raised them right and we gave them a good life.  However, 2 of our kids have hooked up with less-than-desirable SOs for one reason or another.  Both of these kids have seen fit to move in with partners who bring nothing to the table.  Does that sound like me being a bitch?  Oh well, that's what this blog is here for LOL  Neither one of these 'SOs' have long term jobs, or savings, or an education.  What they do have is debt, spending issues, family issues stemming from broken homes and absent fathers, and stress ... and that stress is affecting the behavior of my own adult children.  One of my kids in particular, having moved in with someone who is kind of strange with some real personality issues, is becoming estranged and isolated from our family.

So, you see.  That letter above struck a chord in me.  I think there's a lot of good advice from the letter writer.  I also think it is going to be important for the spouse and I to approach retirement and our new home in a new place (naturally!!!) with a view to our future as we age.  Perhaps everything will settle down and my kids will all be happy.  Perhaps they will live nearby to us in later years.  I hope so but I won't count on it.  We are going to have to learn to live our lives for ourselves again, independently, as opposed to putting 4 other people ahead of our needs/wants/desires all the time.  We are going to have to make a plan for ourselves in which the surviving spouse is taken care of in an environment that will discourage isolation.  I know that our new lifestyle will eventually become habit and we'll settle into it. 

I guess I'm still having a difficult time imagining that I am all by myself sans enfants, as indeed it once was.  Back then when I was a newly married girl-woman, I had a ton of friends, a social life, a job, my own money.  Who's to say it can't be like that again?

New Mortgage Balance

I thought I would update one of my sidebar widgets today.  As we have signed our loan docs for the refinance (signed Friday), I am showing our new mortgage amount and balance in the form of a widget and will update it each month as the new mortgage gets paid down.  That'll be exciting!

Our payoff amount was $86,000 thanks to all sorts of extra costs over and above the original mortgage balance but we didn't argue the point.  We are just grateful to be rid of that high interest, interest only loan that we've been paying on for the past 4+ years.  In addition to that $86,000 there were a variety of other costs to pay: escrow fees, origination fees, reserves, lender fees ..... bumping the total amount of the mortgage up to the low $90,000s.

We had the money to lower the mortgage amount into the upper $70,000s but we decided to keep the cash on hand and to do the following:

1. Pay the mortgage balance down to $45,000.
2. Save another $45,000 in an investment account to pay the mortgage off at the point the mortgage loan balance hits $45k.
3. Own house free and clear ..... yippee!!

This way, we don't leave ourselves short of liquid funds.  Also, the $45k amounts represent reasonably attainable figures ~ we already have $16k set apart to pay off the mortgage so that is a nice jump on the $45k savings side of things.  The rest of the money that was saved in the mortgage account (and shown here on the blog in the form of a widget until 10 minutes ago) has been invested.  That investment account is in the 6 figures. We don't want to be real estate 'rich' and cash poor at this point because I have other news to impart:

I'm pregnant!!!!!!

LOL not really.  j/k  (This is an inside joke between me and a good friend)

No, not pregnant.  The news that I would like to impart is that kid #4 just learned of the acceptance to one of the top engineering schools in the world.  Yes, the kids take after their father, the rocket scientist, for their analytical brainpower.  This means college expenses, of course, hence the need to keep a sizable chunk of money on hand for educational expenses.  If all goes according to plan, all kids will be graduated from college by the time 2016 gets here.

We are all feeling celebratory this afternoon.  We got our long awaited refinance (unless the underwriter finds something else to bitch about within the 3 day rescissionary period).   Our kids are all moving towards self sufficiency, except for that one kid of ours who is TERRIBLE with money.  The house prices around here in our particular neighborhood are going up and we have over 6 figures in equity.

If that all isn't good news enough, the spouse and I will soon truly be empty nesters and we're looking forward to it!  Yes, I felt sentimental, wistful and a bit scared at the thought of rattling around this house all by myself come September but, as I've said before, I need to get a life.

Crappy Restaurant

I'm mad at myself this afternoon.  After going to the movies with the spouse, I allowed him to talk me into buying a sandwich at a deli across the road from the cinema.  $30 later and we're sitting there, outside in the wind, moaning and complaining about the salty fatty chicken salad sandwich, limp pickles and nasty tasting potato and cucumber sides.  First world problems I know!  But I'm seething that we wasted 30 bucks on crap restaurant food again, even though it's the first we've bought in quite a while.  The spouse is off in a huff because I vented on the way home about how he shouldn't have even mentioned going into that deli and I'm on the computer feeling like I just got ripped off by yet another crappy restaurant.  All I can say is, I've eaten my calories for the day and then some.


And we're $30 poorer too.

 

401k, Refinance and Thoughts

We begrudgingly stopped contributing to our 401k last year.  We had to because we had no choice in the matter.  It was either that or run out of money to pay the college tuition bills!

Well, it gives me great pleasure to type that we have begun contributing again, as of this week.  We have been able to cut down our general expenses (like restaurant visits, grocery costs and car expenses) to the extent that we can again at least begin contributing to the tune of 8%.  The Employer matches our contributions up to 8% so at least we are back in the game again.

We are going to invest in The Employer's stock.   We have 6 figures invested in a retirement target fund and we are going to leave that money where it is.  The spouse has been talking to coworkers who are very pleased at the dividends being paid by The Employer and we ourselves had a nice run of dividend income at the time we held The Employer's stock too so, for the time being, our future contributions are going to be invested in this stock.  Despite layoffs and sequestration uncertainty, The Employer isn't going anywhere and the company appears to be well managed.  The Employer is cutting costs and running a lean operation and so, we are going to invest.

Speaking of college costs, I am taking the advice of someone who left a comment on one of my other blog posts.  Sorry, I don't remember who it was but I took their advice to heart.  They said something along the lines of, "Pay the college bills graciously, happy that you are able to do so."  Point taken.

***

On the refinance front, we have achieved final loan approval!  We will sign our loan docs this week and move from a 12.5% interest only 30 year mortgage to a 3.25% fully amortized PITI 15 year mortgage which includes an impound account.  How cool is that, personal finance wise?  LOL   Our monthly mortgage payment will remain about the same but it includes everything: principal, interest, property taxes and home insurance and it's amortized over 15 years as opposed to 30.  I have never had a 15 year mortgage in my life and I can't wait to watch that amortization schedule, as the principal amount owed drops significantly by the month.  We are saving around $400 a month overall because we won't have to worry about taxes and insurance anymore ~ it all comes out of the impound account ~ and this has helped us to start up with the 401k contributions again.  We also won't have to worry about paying private mortgage insurance ($100 extra a month) because we are paying back a 15 year loan.  FHA requires PMI on 30 year loans so that makes the 15 year mortgage even more attractive.


The 'old' me wouldn't have given a hoot about numbers, interest rate, amortization, taxes or anything else.  Just as long as she could have the house she coveted.  Thank goodness I've kicked her to the curb.  That bitch was costing me big bucks :P

Anyhoo, based on our assets and equity, the underwriter put our file on a fast track and gave us final approval after just 2 days.  Amazing. 

And I do not intent to screw up our new found financial solvency, trust me.  I just got finished paying the month's bills and looking for ways to save money in that regard.  I asked for and received a lower internet bill by cutting upload speed and I have already turned the heat off until next winter.  Now that we have a mortgage impound account, I can knock the home insurance and property tax bills off the roster, as they'll be paid by the mortgage company from now on, and ~ despite challenges from my college kids ~ we are sticking with pay-as-you-go cell phone plans.  Forget ATT and Verizon.  There is no way I'm letting myself in for $300 monthly cell phone bills ever again.

The grocery bill is coming in at about $100 a week and restaurants, as I've said before, have been nixed.  I will say that it feels boring and soulless sometimes not to be going out and socializing as much as we used to but I should add here too that the spouse and I do not need the extra food, fat, sugar, or sodium that comes with restaurant meals.  We are still battling the bulge and it's a battle that we do intend to win.  Somehow.

***

I sold a hoard of garden statuary last weekend.  I brought all this heavy stuff with me from the yard/s of the ex-custom home and stacked it all in the backyard here ..... where it has remained untouched and unused for 4 years.  I loved this stuff but bit down hard on that bullet, took my camera outside to take pics and listed all that stuff on Craigslist.  I was emotionally attached to that shit and it was difficult for me to do.  But.  I did it and a landscape architect bought the lot.  Paid me a handsome sum for the pottery and statuary and made off like a bandit.  Good riddance.  And good luck.

I still have some other stuff in the backyard that needs to go ..... barbeque grill, maybe a patio set of table and chairs, maybe some unique hanging planters that will no doubt be snapped up in a Craigslist heartbeat should I decide to sell them....some metal trash cans that are in good shape, a ladder, more planters ..... It has taken me years to pare this stuff down to this level.  I think about the control my stuff used to have over me in the past and I shudder.  I will not go back.

***

Inside the house, I am rearranging the furniture I have left, making the most of what is here until it really is the time to sell all of it and hit the road.  Not long now.  My house is cavernous and empty LOL but I like it.  Anxiety levels are low and staying low.  Good.

***

What else?  Oh yes.  The family drug addict disappeared off the radar for a while and her family were just about to file a missing person's report with the local police station when she suddenly surfaced.  She is working but her hours have been cut.  She is still spending hundreds of dollars on drugs, living with any old bum she can find.  Her family are making peace with themselves, that they have done all they can do and that the chips will fall where they will.  Drugs.  They will cause one to lose teeth, family and friends.

***

Despite my childhood and the fallout that damn near completely wrecked my life, I pulled back from the brink just in the nick.  Good days and bad days but we have a plan and that plan is to travel and live life large with ultimately very few possessions.  I talked with my father a little while ago and I have completely forgiven him.  I am actually letting it all go, dropping the baggage piece by piece.  It has taken me years to get to this point, to stop the self destruction that was going to kill me before my time.  Yes, I have created my own wreckage within my own family and how I wish I could get some of that time back to do things differently but that is, of course, wishful thinking.  I am still broken but I have put myself back together in such a way that I am stable enough to function the majority of the time with hope for the future.  Still a case of 3 steps forward and 2 back at times, given everything  that's happened over the years.

And I guess that is where I am tonight: Looking back at my not so distant past and comparing it with the present.  How different things look today.  Better.  There is always hope.  Dog forbid I ever totally lose that.